The Virgin Diet (not what it sounds like)

First of all, if you only came to find out why the hell it's called the Virgin Diet, it's just cause it's this lady's name.

The Virgin Diet (not what it sounds like)

Okay, now everybody can be happy and not leave me these too long didn't read messages, if you don't actually care about diet and don't want to read the rest of this.

Okay, so her name is JJ and Virgin. I should be suspicious of anyone named JJ. And Virgin must be a terrible name to have. If that's her real name, some guy had this name in high school. Fun.

Anyway, back when I was still in my thirties I decided to try to lose weight without actually following a diet. But it's hard to do when the person I live with always wants to go out for lunch or ice cream or something. Not that I don't enjoy going out for lunch and ice cream, I just don't think that I enjoy it as much as he does. If I weren't with him I don't think that I would spend this much of my money and time going out, I would mostly stay home and eat spaghetti or something.

I know. I'm cheap.

Anyway, I slowly gained about thirty pounds more than I wanted. And then I had the house to myself for about three months. And I thought that would be a good time to try to lose weight. Cause most of the time this other person wasn't saying let's go to lunch. And I realized when I was at the store buying cookies that I was going to either eat all those cookies myself or throw them away. Everything I bought was either going to be eaten by me, by myself, or else it was going to spoil or get stale or something and end up in the trash. Buy less stuff and don't buy much sugar.

So without going on a real diet I ate less sugar and drank almost no sugar and ate more vegetables and mostly snacked on popcorn. And in about three or four months I lost about 15 pounds.

And then I got this stupid job with a weird schedule and gained it all back and a bit more.

Okay, but I had lost weight, so I figured that I could do it again, if I would just make the time to do a few things and just quit going out to eat and quit eating and drinking sugar.

Only I didn't do that for like several years, and I gained some more weight. Cause I was always going to eat better after the holidays or after some party or whatever, and just never did it.

Another time I lost another 15 pounds, but that was from getting upset and then getting so physically sick that I had trouble eating anything. I really do not advise losing weight that way, but for almost a year the 15 pounds didn't come back.

Okay, so the weight came back and then a bit more, and twelve years after I'm so proud of myself for losing 15 pounds I weighed like 50 pounds more than I wanted to instead of just 30 pounds. I should probably do something about that.

And then we were watching something on PBS, and then this woman was on TV saying how soy wasn't good for you and so forth. And I watched most of that, and it seemed to make sense at the time. Okay, I've picked a diet. A real diet this time, not one that I made up myself about eating popcorn. I went and got her book at the library and spent two or three weeks picking out shakes. At the time she did not have her own shakes, but she recommended a particular brand that a.) I didn't see in the stores, and b.) was more money than I wanted to pay. And then before really going on the diet I spent a week weaning myself off of sodas.

Okay, I officially go on the diet and give up all this stuff.

The Virgin Diet (not what it sounds like)S

Oh, I am in pain. I am hungry all the time. I am going to die.

I get so hungry that first week I go and buy some special gluten free oatmeal (oatmeal is gluten free anyway, but if you want to be sure you didn't accidently get some wheat in with the oats you have to pay two or three times as much). And I hated the oatmeal. Little envelopes of oatmeal with apples and lots of sugar, great, but regular oatmeal with tiny bit of sweetener is hard to swallow.

But after that first week (and knowing that if I really felt like I was going to starve I could eat the awful oatmeal) things seemed to get better. I hate drinking water. I love soda and can probably drink gallons of it, but just getting through those minimum 64 ounces of water is hard for me. And on the diet you have to drink water on this schedule. No water half an hour before meals, and no water until at least an hour after meals. So not only do I have to drink all this damn water, I have to drink all this damn water while avoiding it for 4.5 hours, or almost a third of the time I'm awake anyway.

People really do not listen when you say, I can't go with you to do this or that, because I can't eat at this place or this other place and such. I forgot about my school reunion, and I had to skip going to dinner with them. I had missed the deadline for buying a ticket, but someone said that I could get in anyway, but I just couldn't see paying $40 for food I couldn't eat. And somebody I hardly knew insisted that I could go anyway, cause I could "have the chicken instead." Well, that fixes everything, doesn't it? I can't eat dessert, cause sugar, I can't eat corn, I can't eat the beans (didn't want them anyway) cause sugar, and I can't eat the slaw cause sugar and eggs and probably soybean, and I might could eat the chicken if it didn't have anything on it and was an organic chicken.

It's a barbeque place, so how likely was that?

So I missed the school reunion and I had trouble with this Star Trek thing I went to and had to miss going to dinner with everybody after.

In spite of how easy people say this is, I don't see how anyone does it and then does anything else for the seven weeks. Like, I couldn't do it if I had a job. This feels like a job all by itself. I'm always looking at the clock to see if it's time to drink water or stop drinking water or time for a shake or time to cut up veggies and cook or time to eat something or whatever. And you can't have bread, so if I had a job I couldn't pack a sandwich, and it would be hard to eat most of this stuff if I didn't have a frig and at least a microwave.

So I got through the first three weeks without cheating, though after that I did eat some Rice Chex and some chips made by Blue Diamond. And then I started testing the foods, and I think everything is okay except maybe eggs. I couldn't tell about the eggs cause I already didn't feel well that week anyway.

And I lost 15-20 pounds. But that was mostly the end of it. I didn't even try to do stage 3. I'm not planning to give up peanuts and corn for the rest of my life. And if I really want a dessert enough to make it or buy it, I'm going to eat it, not have three bites of it and then throw it away.

And I like sodas. I can give them up for short periods of time or generally have less sodas, but I'd have a hard time with just no sodas ever.

But the main thing is just I can't have a normal life and be on this diet for longer than two months. That's two months that I can't go eat with my friends, two months that I mostly can't enjoy going to a movie theater cause I have to run to the ladies room every ten minutes, and I can't go shopping or anything for more than an a couple of hours because I can't stop for lunch anywhere.

So I went off of the diet but just tried to not go crazy with the junk food. I gained back about five pounds.

I went on the diet again, but this time I didn't go nuts with the organic stuff. If it's there and it doesn't cost too much, I'll buy it, otherwise the regular stuff is fine. And I didn't go nuts with the fiber either. I added some, but I never got up to the level I was supposed to anyway. I quit worrying about it.

I lost another 15-20 pounds.

And then the holidays, so I'm back up to 150 after being down to 140. I'm pretty happy with 140, though 130 would be better, and I looked my best when I was 120. I'm just not sure if I'd look good at 120 now.

So I've decided to do the diet thing for two months at a time until I lose enough weight, and then I'll do it once a year anyway, just to check on things. After the second time I didn't feel well during egg week, maybe there is something to that. But I think the rest of it is probably nothing to worry about. I don't think that we all need to go out and rid the world of gluten or anything like that.

Okay, so that's most of the important stuff I have to say about diet, but if I left out something you want to know you can ask.