I hate you, Charlie Bradbury.S

First things first, I need to make this clear: I like Felicia Day. I like her a lot. She's a lovely and exceptional young woman who turned her quirky passions into a full blown Nerd Empire of which she is unquestionably the queen. While I can understand there are many who may balk at her status as the exalted human representative of all things GEEK, she does deserve it. She is both creator and uber-fan and has combined both into an irresistible persona which stands as an endearing and sincere love letter to all the pop culture madness we hold dear. It is because of this that she landed a sweet, recurring gig on Supernatural as Charlie Bradbury, the quintessential geek girl and IT super chick whom the Winchesters have pretty much adopted as their official little lesbian sister. And the fans seem to love it. For most, Charlie is a beloved honorary member of the Winchester clan and they look forward to those episodes which feature her.

All this is fine and dandy but here's the problem: Charlie Bradbury is a fucking annoying Mary Sue and I cannot stand her any longer. I finally came to this conclusion during the latest episode of Supernatural in which she appears entitled Slumber Party. From this point on there will be spoilers so turn back if you need to, because I am about to lay down everything I hate about this character in a series of bullets that will outline all the ways she sickeningly strained my credulity in this Wizard of Oz themed Felicia Day wank fest.

  • When the Winchester bros uncover a super secret magic computer at the Men of Letters bat cave, Dean knows the person they need to call to figure it all out is sweet and spunky techno wiz Charlie Bradbury. When we catch up with Charlie we find she's been pursuing her quirky interests like LARPing and macrame...oh, and she also lost her job because she found out that they were all into using child labor, so she decided to take a big old Wikileak on the company and expose them for the evil corporate bastards they are. In short: Charlie is super awesome the way she fights child exploitation and predatory capitalism and stuff.
  • During this reacquaintance period we also learn that not only has Charlie been doing a little hunting, she has been doing it alone. It was pretty intense but she managed to vanquish a ghost, a vampire, and maybe a lagoon creature of some sort all by her lonesome...but it was all so unsatisfying. In short: Charlie is a pure, unvarnished soul who is fully capable of single-handedly hunting monsters but longs for a magical world of enchanted rings, wood elves, and rainbow farting unicorns. Only a quest worthy of Sir Galahad will do.
  • Of course Charlie hacks her way into the preternaturally powered computer and somehow makes it compatible with Windows 8. When Charlie and the boys discover a weird cocoon behind the component rack, the trio ends up extracting an awesome 1930s version of an all grown-up Dorothy who, being the Amelia Earhart-esque woman of action she is, is very impressed that Charlie is no mere secretary. Turns out the Wicked Witch is also on the loose somewhere in the building and when Sam leaves Dorothy and Charlie to hunt her down, he states that Charlie is the "smartest person in the room". In short: Listen to Sam. Sam is a smart guy and really handy on the computer. But Charlie, she is so much smarter. Man she is smart. So smart. And the way she smiles when Sam praises her like that. It shows she really appreciates how smart everyone thinks she is. Sure is boss to have the other characters vindicate how awesome you are. You know, just in case the audience is still having trouble adoring you.
  • When the Wicked Witch is about to zap Dean, Charlie leaps in front of him, absorbing the blast of magic herself and saving our hunky hero from certain doom. Charlie dies in the process but is almost instantly resurrected by the angel that lives in Sam. In short: Charlie is not only a selfless, sacrificial hero but gets to be instantly brought back to life so she can immediately start doing other incredibly heroic stuff.
  • Charlie realizes that Frank Baum's Oz books are full of clues to help Dorothy vanquish the Wicked Witch. Dorothy, who never considered this, calls Charlie "a genius". In short: We told you Charlie was smart right? Not just smart people. Fucking genius.
  • In the climactic scene, Charlie takes a pair of ruby slippers and kills the witch, releases Sam and Dean from homicidal possession, and saves Dorthy's life. Flash slightly forward to the denouement and Charlie finds the perfect quest awaiting her in the land of Oz where I can only assume she and Dorothy become passionate lesbian lovers who adopt an orphaned little person, practice a strict vegan lifestyle, and teach the flying monkeys, who are really quite misunderstood creatures, to unionize against the witches and negotiate a fair wage for all their hard work.

In short: Peace out, bitches. Please don't ever come back.